FML (feat. The Dentist)


Kanye finally releases TLOP and The Dentist drops a bomb and fucks my life up…

I took a short break from sadness and stupidity to tell the humorous story about the time I made “beer in the butt” chicken (and something else might have happened too?). I ended with a little tidbit about how The Dentist was leaving sooner rather than “at the end of the month” so let’s continue there, shall we?

So, things were going so well despite the fact that The Dentist was moving. We were spending more time together, we were watching The Simpsons, Arrow, and wrestling. He met some of my friends, and a chicken was impaled on a can. Oh, and I thought I might be in love. And because nothing can ever go the way I want it to or work out for me, things would only get worse. One night, I asked him when he was leaving and made some joke about needing all the alcohol and all the sad songs queued up for his move. His answer was not so funny. Apparently, he was leaving next week and “didn’t know how to tell [me]”.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. On the one hand, I got it. I hate confrontation, and I feel like if the shoe were on the other foot I’d be agonizing over telling him that I was leaving sooner rather than later. Then again, he must have known this for a bit and didn’t tell me. Jeanie was PISSED about this and any good things she may have thought about The Dentist (which admittedly wasn’t that much) were lost. I remember feeling so helpless, sad and angry.

I hung out with Dave that night and we watched wrestling while I drank wine and ate chips with jalapeño dip; which is sort of a typical bro thing in direct contrast to a heartbroken girl thing…what can I say? I’m complex. Unfortunately that night, a favorite wrestler of mine was forced to retire due to injury. He gave a heartbreaking speech which in all fairness would have made me cry with our without this recent Dentist development but that did not help to keep the tears in. The bottle of wine definitely played a part in this too.

The next night, The Dentist came over for a sleepover. I was still very mad and sad at him and perhaps even madder because of the kind of evening we had. We played board games. I know, this sounds stupid but it felt so natural and so good. This was the problem I had. I guess deep down I knew he wasn’t a good guy. He was a liar and a cheater but also he was nice and funny and adorable and I really loved his company. Playing a stupid game of which jelly bean was a nice flavor vs. a terrible one, or Star Wars Trouble, or Heads Up was just simply lovely. And I was losing this. It wasn’t fucking fair.

I actually felt like that would be the last night I’d get to see The Dentist. I felt like I probably wasn’t important enough for him to go out of his way to see me again before he left (partly because I have really low self-esteem but also because of the whole not telling me when he was leaving thing).

During a conversation one night about the aforementioned Star Wars Christmas crackers, I told him that it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me but The Dentist said he was surprised because I hardly reacted. This made me feel bad because someone did something nice for me and I didn’t react in the way I really felt. So I planned to rectify that and try to show him how much he meant to me.

You still with me? This might be the part where you leave, or I shut the fuck up and try to keep some dignity since I already mentioned I cried over wrestling after drowning my sorrows with a bottle of wine. I fucking made him a fucking mix CD. I’ll leave you to take a vomit break here now until I continue…

*** *** *** *** ***

Yes. A mix CD. I know. Disgusting. What’s more disgusting is that in less than three months I had an entire full-length album ready to go completely with everything from that damn country song he sang to me, to Blink-182 to Kanye’s “Gold Digger” cause I rapped it for him once to Green Day’s cover of The Simpsons theme… Each song had a reason for being there; because it reminded me of him.

I even made a special album cover because I am a wizard with Microsoft Paint complete with my classic cropping his head onto another body complete with references to Cinco De Mayo, to Happy Endings to Jurassic Park. I’ll give you another vomit break.

*** *** *** *** ***

It was a perfect night besides the sadness. We had more good sex and he seemed to genuinely like the CD. He said he liked seeing this side of me and I told him the stories about how I liked him and didn’t think he liked me, the whole date debacle and ensuing wardrobe crisis. My heart was on my sleeve. He told me he was going to miss me and reiterated that he wanted me to visit him. Yet also he told me he hoped I wouldn’t become a recluse or as I like to call it “a Jedi in exile” when he left because “there [were] lots of people out there who liked Happy Endings”. (Is that fucking so?! If that is the case then it wouldn’t have been canceled then would it? STFU Dentist). He also swore that he would see me again before he left and even claimed multiple times.

He also invited me to a Valentine’s Day/going away party that his friend was throwing. This made me feel awkward because I hate meeting new people plus I was confused about where we stood. I asked how he would introduce me. I wasn’t his boyfriend he said, which was fine because I wasn’t; but I certainly wasn’t his friend either. I realized I couldn’t go to this thing even though I wanted to spend as much time with him as I possibly could. (Jeanie also said that she would have zero sympathy for me if I went and felt awkward).

The next night was Wednesday. The last Wednesday he would be here. As you may know, Wednesday was when we would hang initially so I suggested one more night of pizza. He said that he wasn’t sure because he had to clean and get ready for the arrival of his parents who would be helping him pack. I figured he would have to eat anyway and he agreed. I waited all day and didn’t hear from him until I asked him what the plan was and I got, “I already ate sorry.” SORRY?!

So, that got me thinking. Why did The Dentist want to keep in touch with me? He was very adamant that he couldn’t do long distance and there was evidence in the fact that he cheated on his significant other. He was admittedly bad at keeping in touch yet he wanted me to come visit. (How would that happen if we didn’t keep in touch? What an awkward visit that would be. Lots to catch up on though I suppose.) The icing on the cake was that the night before in my bed he was basically trying to pimp me out to other people who liked Happy Endings.

This might also be a good time to say that I saw him on the Dino tracking app in my bed one night but didn’t want to say anything because I thought “Well he’s leaving and doesn’t want this to get serious.” No, he was just an asshole who had zero respect but I couldn’t see that then.

Anyway, on this last night, he left his cell phone charger at my apartment. Two days later he was in a tizzy needing it back because his phone was about to die. (Go buy a fucking new one. You are a shyster dentist after all). He seemed a bit miffed that I wasn’t home when he wanted me to be. He was nice enough to pick me up from work though and we chatted about the previous couple of days. He asked if I regretted meeting him and hoped I didn’t but I didn’t know what to say. I knew I’d be heartbroken. He actually came in for a bit and we took a picture together which I actually ended up getting printed off and framed. (Do we need another vomit break? Cause I think I do…) He reiterated that he would see me two more times before he left. One of them being that Sunday, which also happened to be Valentine’s Day.

I actually loathe that day. I was always that guy that never had anyone on Valentine’s Day until Lilith. I really lucked out with her because she also didn’t care about it either. Except like all those women in Rom Coms who say one thing and mean another, I think she actually kind of did. (I remember the last Valentine’s Day we were together I wanted her to come over and I’d cook. It actually had nothing to do with the day, it was because the Wet Blanket was at work and we could be alone. I made a stuffed pasta and then my great grandmother died… I’ll insert the upside down happy face emoji here…).

It wasn’t even because it was Valentine’s Day. We had met on the 14th of November so it would have been a three-month “anniversary” of sorts and a show we were watching, the short-lived but hilarious Cooper Barrett’s Guide To Surviving Life was returning after a small hiatus. Again, if you have met me, or read any of these posts you know that I’m definitely super neurotic and worry about absolutely everything so actually willing up the courage to slightly broach the subject of hanging out on a day meant for people in love or to make single people feel terrible about themselves was definitely an anxiety riser.

None of this mattered anyway because when I did try and make plans, The Dentist told me that his parents were coming that weekend and that he might not be able to leave them. That weekend totally sucked for me. The impending sense of dread I felt regarding The Dentist’s exit was looming over me, the Wet Blanket went even more off the rails and I felt like my friends were turning against me, it was Valentine’s weekend, and Kanye West was still not releasing his damn album even though it was supposed to!

On Valentine’s Eve (not a thing but I’m making it one), we had a snow storm so I was stuck inside. I was drinking and stuffing myself with junk which would soon become a theme and I decided to watch sad movies like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. I got pretty drunk and felt really alone. So drunk that when Kanye announced the release of Pablo on SNL, I drunkenly texted The Kid. I will leave this crap out as I’ve embarrassed myself enough tonight. Just know it wasn’t good.

So Sunday rolls around and The Dentist hadn’t made any concrete plans yet. He also wasn’t really responding which was annoying because I was trying to juggle seeing him with a family supper as well. Finally, I made a plan that I thought would work but it didn’t for him because the bitch is boujee and eats “dinner” later in the evening despite my trying to make early meal plans so I had the night free for him. This caused a fight between us where he made me feel bad and need to apologize when in actuality it wasn’t my fault. So instead I watched the episode of The Simpsons where Ralph falls for Lisa on Valentine’s Day and the Valentine’s episode of The O.C. where Seth and Summer have their Spider-Man kiss.

I didn’t want to leave things like this but I also feared I had messed up any chance of a goodbye. I didn’t and I’ll write about that in the next entry. Apologies for being so pathetic in this one.

Also, though, if you get a chance find Cooper Barrett’s Guide To Surviving Life, it was a really fun and hilarious show!


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