Beer In The Butt Chicken: You Are What You Eat

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Karma probably came back at me because of that SnapChat I sent out…

So I’m taking a Kanye related interlude here in sadness Dentist posts to tell a funny, kind of Alanis-level ironic, and slightly self-deprecating story which is what you’re all here for right? Also, there will be a recipe to try, (it isn’t pizza, though. Sorry!)! Happy Valentine’s Day readers!

So, one of the after work/sleepover lead in suppers I made came in the form of a whole chicken. Dave had given me a few beers he had with an advent calendar which was frankly sort of undrinkable (for us anyway) but I felt that you could definitely use them in a recipe. (I’m a bit of an amateur cook/foodie?) I was also looking for new things to try and impress The Dentist because I felt like I had nothing to contribute except for my cooking and my D.

One of the beers I had was a chocolate stout. Now I consider myself a fan of a variety of beers but stout is just not one of them. It is too heavy for me but it is definitely flavorful and I feel like would be a good ingredient in a recipe. I started searching for a recipe that would include chicken and chocolate stout and found this one.

I’ve had “beer in the butt” chicken before but not with a chocolate stout. I’ve also never made it. I went to the gym that day and when I came home I started preparing. One of the best parts about cooking with beer is that the recipe never usually calls for the whole can or bottle so you get to drink the rest while you cook! From what I remember, the stout actually wasn’t too bad but I enjoyed the pumpkin ale I used much later in the year to make chili.

Because I consider myself a funny character and a bit of a social media savant (maybe not savant but I love alliteration and that just fit there so well), I decided to take a humorous SnapChat of my placing the chicken onto the Coke Zero can whilst playing “The First Night” by 90’s RnB songstress Monica. The fact that I was sticking a chicken onto a can of beer was not void of sexual innuendo for me and the lyrics from the song “I wanna get down but not the first night” seemed really quite funny to me. So, naturally, I staged a SnapChat video and sent it out to my followers.

So I didn’t end up making the orange chocolate stout sauce that is also included in the recipe but it is definitely something I want to try. Instead, I served garlic mash potatoes, red pepper and dinner rolls with it. The chicken turned out quite well and was very moist. Did it have hints of chocolate flavored beer? I’m not sure but it was tasty. That said, there were a couple of instances during cooking that the chicken tipped over, spilling beer and I had to lift a greased up, hot piece of poultry and place it back on top of the can. (I think I’ve seen pornos that were very similar).

Once supper was over, we moved to the couch for cuddling (vomit… I hate that I loved it) and The Simpsons. After that, it was off to my bedroom for some sexy time. This was a different sexy time as The Dentist asked a question I was not expecting, nor wanting; “Can I fuck you?”

The response I wanted to give was “I’d rather you didn’t, thanks,” but I really felt like I couldn’t. Let me be clear, I never felt forced or like I had to do it, but I felt like it would be the polite thing to do. The Dentist practically would just bend over for me the second he saw me so I felt like after nearly three months, it was only fair to at least try it. (Then again he was probably just being a little bitch who wanted to be dominated so…) I mean, it seemed that when I filled The Dentist’s cavity he seemed to really enjoy it as did The Kid who would get this look come over his face as he said: “Fuck me,”.

So I tried it. And it was… unpleasant. I think initially I was on top and it just was not happening. The chicken had a much easier time getting onto the Coke can. You know how it feels when you sit on a bike and how the seat is never really comfortable? Yeah. Kinda like that. Once he realized that wasn’t going to happen that way, we switched it up and I was kind of in this all fours type position and again it was just unpleasant. This time it felt like when you were in Elementary school and that annoying kid next to you keeps poking at you and not stopping. This also made me feel quite uncomfortable because I wasn’t liking it and I wanted to give it a shot.

The Dentist soon gave up and he moved on to other things which lead to him getting a fluoride treatment from me. (He is leaving soon so I’m trying to get all the Dentist related puns in as I possibly can). We then watched Arrow and ate popcorn and I think it was the last Wednesday we ever spent together because guess what? His leaving “at the end of next month” (which was now “this month”) was more like the middle of the month and not the end and he didn’t tell me that part…

I may not have gotten a dentist in the butt like the chicken that provided a lovely meal got the beer, but The Dentist certainly was fucking me figuratively…

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