So Help Me God -> SWISH -> Waves -> The Life Of Pizza


The last few weeks with The Dentist were a lot like the rollercoaster release of Kanye’s seventh studio album.

Any Kanye fans in the house? No? Yes? If so, I like you and you are super cool. If you’re not a fan this analogy may be lost on you but the rollout for Kanye’s most recent album was a total (as Trump would say…look at the blog about pizza and banging bros get political?!) “disaster”. The album was first announced in 2015 as So Help Me God, we got a couple of singles but then not much of anything after that. Then, at the beginning of 2016, we got “Real Friends” and the announcement that the album was now called SWISH and was coming on February 11th.

So “Real Friends” and SWISH is where Kanye ties in with The Dentist and what was happening with me. I already had a blog called “Real Friends” and it was while I was at the party that The Dentist picked me up from where I read that the album was coming and with a new title.

Why am I writing about this? Well as I’ve probably mentioned before, I’m a sucker for nostalgia so I was sitting at home last night, watching TV and they were discussing the upcoming Grammy awards, which reminded me of last year’s Grammys which took me right back to The Dentist. To be honest, I have been having trouble writing lately because I feel like I’m not really reaching anyone and writing about The Dentist is not helping much. It still really hurts. Less than it did, but the fact that I’m still thinking about and bothered by him is really disheartening.

So after The Simpsons and the pizza (and forgetting about the coming back after the hangout with friends), I was facing a very grave realization about The Dentist. I wish I could say I had come to the realization that The Dentist was kind of a sketchy fucker but no; the realization I was coming to was that I was thinking I was in love…

Now, what is love? Baby, don’t hurt me… I’m legit asking. I was really confused and wondering about what I was feeling. I had been with Lilith for so long and felt what I assumed was love I didn’t know what it would feel like with someone else. I mean, really; HOW DO YOU KNOW? I always had this sort of litmus test for love if you will; when you are watching a show, or a movie or listening to a song that is half romantic (vomit) and you always think of that person. I was thinking about The Dentist pretty much all of the time. He was moving yet I was seeing more and more of him.

I was seeing more of him and we were getting very comfortable. He would come over after work and I’d cook supper and he would stay until he left for work again in the morning. He even left a toothbrush at my house. This is where things were getting confusing for me. He was leaving but wanted to stay in touch and claimed he wanted me to visit. He was staying over, getting really comfortable yet he was a cheater and a flake. He couldn’t possibly be that into me.

And yet, he kind of was. At least to my face. He was watching wrestling with me even though he hated it. (I will now take this opportunity to write about how the “rapper” Flo Rida was on Monday Night RAW during one episode and The Dentist only then realized that Flo Rida was Florida… A DENTIST… adorable, rich and yet kinda dumb.)We would also watch Arrow, even though he didn’t really like that either. We would also continue watching old episodes of The Simpsons and eat popcorn. HE MET SOME OF MY FRIENDS! (More on that later…) Why would he be doing this? I was easy already and gave it up…

So back to that crazy little thing called love. I had sort of been wondering if that was what I was feeling and then one night it hit me. I had started taking melatonin because I was looking for a way to help me sleep since my life had been turned upside down and I was not yet the prince of a town called Bel-Air. The Dentist had a poor night’s sleep at my place one night so I offered him one as well. The couple that takes natural sleep aid supplements stays together right?

Anyway, when I first started taking melatonin, I did sleep but there were also some odd side effects. It was causing me to have dreams about my dead dog and also really explicit sex dreams. I guess the same thing happened to him…well the dreaming part at least. He woke up all freaked out saying that he had had a dream that Tom Cruise and Brook Shields, mortal enemies in real life, had banded together to try and kill him and that the Eifel Tower had come crashing down on him. (A year later all I can think is “If only.”). He was so vulnerable and cute as he cuddled into me I just thought “I love you.” But so help me God (Hey! That’s the name of the blog entry!) I would dare not say it.

Just like SWISH became Waves, just weeks before it was released, I was trying really hard to call my feelings something else. How could I be in love with him? It had been only about three months, for a chunk of that time I was “the other bro”, for two weeks he went home for Christmas and never wrote me, but then comes back and it’s on…except it isn’t always because sometimes he was unreachable and yet here I was.

Waves would go on to become The Life Of Pablo and there is still some life left in this story but I think it’s best to leave it here for now. I was in love. Or I thought I was. Or something; and the person I was in love with or something was leaving in a few weeks. Except he wasn’t. More on that later.

But first, you know how on a lot of rap albums there are some interludes; skits or little bits of music between tracks? Well, I feel like it’s time for an interlude before shit gets really real and sad. Tune in next time folks.


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