Tis the season for falling even harder for someone you really can’t have.
So the holiday season is fast approaching and I’m finding myself even less of a festive mood than I was last year. In fact, I have been feeling really down as of late. I feel like I’m not that important to anyone as I spend most of my time alone and can’t ever seem to make plans with people. There are things occurring with people I have not yet written about but will and I find myself missing The Dentist terribly. When I started to write about The Kid I really felt good. It was a little bit cathartic and it allowed me to listen to The Weeknd again. Writing about The Dentist though is like opening up a wound that was never fully closed.
I made a commitment to writing about this, though (because I want it to somehow make me money) so let’s rewind to about this time last year when against my better judgment I was spending a lot of time talking to The Dentist and seeing him about once a week. I looked forward to our Wednesday hangs and would do anything to make sure these hangs went down like sleeping with him the night before his boyfriend came to visit. Things were going so well and I had fallen for him badly. I remember one night discussing how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian had named their newborn son Saint and I said I actually didn’t hate the name. He said “We can name our kid that,” and I automatically placed “Saint” in front of his last name and hyphenated it with mine and loved the sound of it.
Did you throw up in your mouth a bit after reading that? I’ll give you a second before continuing.
One night we were talking and he said he needed an ugly sweater to wear at his work Christmas party. I told him about my dinosaur Christmas sweater and he asked for a lend of it. I brought it to him one night and we fucked, which was par the course for our hangs. I told him I needed it back before he went home for Christmas though. We had made tentative plans for a Sunday afternoon but he told me he was really hungover and had been so drunk at the party that he actually lost his keys. I was pushy and said that I could take a cab over but he said he was too sick.
I was extremely disappointed. Not just because I didn’t think I’d get my sweater back but also because I didn’t think I’d see him before the holidays. I started to realize that I was having serious feelings for him and I needed to say something and in person. It was hard to schedule plans with him on a whim because he worked during the day and I was working a lot at my shitty part-time job in the nights leading up to Christmas. He promised I’d get my sweater but again, it wasn’t just that.
The only night that seemed to work I had plans; a gift exchange with my friend Penny and the WBR (Wet Blanket Roommate in case you can’t remember). I was going to attempt to end the evening early so that The Dentist could pick me up and we’d have a hang. I had even agreed to stay the night. At this point, Penny knew about my secret vigilante sex life (as well as The Dentist) so I was trying to get her to bring me to him but scheduling didn’t work out. I waited until the WBR went to bed and I got ready to go out. The Dentist picked me up, it had started to snow and he was bundled up and wearing a toque. He looked so adorable and I was so happy to see him. Also, I was drunk. Like really drunk. So drunk in fact that I didn’t realize I still had wine left and moved on to drinking beer. This might have been the best opportunity I had to confess my feelings. On the way to his house “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith was playing on the radio and he put his hand on my leg and sang it to me. (Apparently, an adorable bro serenading me slightly off key just melts my heart?) I hate Sam Smith. I thought he was OK until he took part in Band Aid 30 and looked so terribly sad during his part in the video. It’s like “Bro, you are singing to help the people with Ebola…you haven’t been diagnosed with it!” But as The Dentist jokingly performed this song and looked into my eyes I knew I had to cut Sam some slack as I now had a special connection to this depressing little ditty.
We got to his place and went to bed. We didn’t have sex that night because he was tired but we still fooled around. Have I ever written about The Dentist’s “oral exam skills”? Cause damn that boy can s a d. Despite all my better judgements, I cuddled the fuck out of him that night and I was so happy. Though I also slept terribly because I was drunk and also nervous to be in a different bed and my mind was racing because of the situation I was in. Have I mentioned I’m neurotic?
So we get up in the morning and he was bringing me to the gym. I knew I had to say something. I wanted to tell The Dentist that I had indeed fallen for him hard and that since he had someone and assumed he didn’t feel the same about me that this needed to end. I remember getting closer and closer to the gym and “Sorry” by Justin Bieber was playing. I remember sort of singing it out of nervousness. I also told some story about how JAY Z’s song about the birth of his daughter Blue made me excited and have all the feels before my niece was born. Oh, I ramble when I’m nervous.
We pull up to the gym and we said goodbye. I kissed him and said that I would indeed miss him over the holidays but did I say the thing that needed to be said? No. Of course I didn’t. I left it alone. I feared rejection so I decided to just suffer in silence.
I wonder what would have happened if I actually had the balls to say it then? I know what happened months later when I came clean with my feelings and how that turned out. (Spoiler alert, it was bad but we’ll get to that. There is a lot more to come from this saga with The Dentist.
So I didn’t say how I felt but I did have my Dino sweater back and it smelled like him and he was adorable. Merry fucking Christmas amirite?