Do the possibly worst thing I’ve ever done in my life and then make it home to watch the season finale of Survivor.
Wednesday has for years been my favorite night of the week because all of my favorite shows air. There’s Arrow, Empire, and Survivor in the current prime-time mix. For the past few weeks, Wednesday had gotten even better because that was when I’d have my weekly dentist appointments; and by dentist appointments I mean I’d bang a hot young dentist and then eat pizza afterward. Win. Win.
I think I’ve mentioned that I don’t like change right? I also love tradition and I hate when something changes and tradition is broken. So another Wednesday rolls around and I eagerly text The Dentist to make plans for later that day. He writes back and tells me that he doesn’t think he can do today because he has to help his friend move and needs to clean up his place because his boyfriend was visiting the next day.
Reading that last part was like a swift kick in the nuts. I knew about the boyfriend but I tried very hard not to think about him. I had only recently learned his name and of course, the Facebook creeping commenced. I hated that I knew his name and knew what he looked like. I also hated that he was going to interfere with my weekly tradition.
What happened next was definitely not my finest moment. I actually began to negotiate a plan in which he could help the friend move, clean his place and also hang with me. I said earlier that I got involved in this situation because I was selfish and because there wouldn’t be feelings involved, but that was out the window. I wanted him and I was jealous and annoyed that again, my happiness was taking a backseat to someone else’s.
So we worked out a plan. If the moving went smoothly, he’d pick me up and we’d hang. It would have to be a short visit but we would still get to hang. So that’s what happened. I waited to go to the gym later that evening and he picked me up from there. A lot of our hangs were after I’d been to the gym so I’d usually throw on a backwards snapback after my shower and look like a bit of a slob. This night I had my hair all slicked back and styled and was wearing a dressy winter coat. I remember he told me I looked “handsome”.
So we went back to his place and had perhaps the best sex we’d had yet. I can remember this night very vividly. I remember giving in and cuddling too which I think I’d done already. I told you I was falling hard. I felt horrible for what I was doing. And I felt like we were getting closer. We’d talk about so many things and I remember him saying that I was very passionate about a variety of topics. I had told him early on that I didn’t really care about anything and that night he pointed out that I cared about everything. He wasn’t wrong I guess.
So, The Dentist brings me home and I go on with my Wednesday and watch the season finale of Survivor. It was eating me up what I had just done. I just fucked a bro whose boyfriend was flying in to see him the next day. Given the untidiness of The Dentist’s place, I also thought that he might not even change the sheets and this made me feel so terribly guilty.
But again, not guilty enough. I was hating on someone because he was interfering with my ability to carry on an affair. How messed up is this? I feel like Drake could write about a hundred emo rap songs about what I was feeling then. The worst part was that I knew I couldn’t talk to the Dentist until the weekend was over and this upset me so much. I wanted him, and this was gross for me to admit but I wanted to be next to him.
This was how badly I had fallen. I had intended watch all six episodes of the Star Wars saga before The Force Awakens was released and during the scene in Return of the Jedi where an Ewok sort of cuddles into Han’s leg I took a picture and was ready to send him that said “When you claim to not like cuddling but jump at the chance.” Most of the people I know in my phone have superheroes associated to them. He became Spider-Man and I don’t remember why but I joked that I was cuddling my niece’s stuffed Spidey when I stayed at my brother’s one night because I wished he was there.
None of this makes up for the fact that I did what I did, though. I still wonder about this other bro sometimes. I’d like to think he is a terrible person if only to make me feel better. He probably isn’t though. I also kind of think that karma is punishing me for continuing this affair even though I knew it was wrong, especially that most recent Wednesday