This Pizza Has Been Provided By The Dentist


“When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster…” or in this case “When I fuck him good he orders me Pizza Hut” Yup, I just quoted Beyoncé and changed it to fit me.  

So for those of us keeping score, I became a terrible and selfish person, got involved with someone who had someone and didn’t care because it was just going to be physical; all that goes out the window within days with the mention of a fondness for Jurassic Park, Happy Endings and a rendition of a country song that I had been slightly familiar with, and let’s not forget that he reminded me of how much I liked Blink-182 (I had them on near-constant  rotation since that Wednesday). Oh and good sex that lasted several rounds before we were done. That was pretty fun. I sometimes look back at this now and think, “You so got what you deserve,” and maybe I did, I mean I wouldn’t want this done to me. At the same time, I felt, and still do that nothing ever works out for me and I never get what I want so this was me taking something I wanted and trying not to focus on the horrible, selfish act I was committing.

So The Dentist says I can’t get attached and after two hangs and many back and forth text messages I am so the natural progression in all of this is to add actual hanging out to our next hang right? And that is what I did; suggested ordering pizza for our next Wednesday rendezvous. I can tell I’m losing any and all sympathy for my situation right now… but stay tuned, I hope to win you back a bit.

I mentioned in the last post that he had gone to Montreal for the weekend and ironically The Kid did as well so basically everyone I wanted to fuck had fled to Montreal… Great. I was working my shitty part-time job one Sunday when I got a text from The Dentist saying that he was alive and asking what was up. I almost choked on my Mary Brown’s chicken finger because despite the fact that I had a great time and stayed at his place for hours the previous Wednesday, I kind of thought that I might not hear from him again even though he seemed to also enjoy himself. (I suffer from crippling self-doubt so…)

The Dentist agreed to pizza and we had another hang scheduled for the upcoming Wednesday (which happened to be The Kid’s birthday so I felt like this was some sort of way to stick it to him…not that he cared at all). Before that, I had to go to work where I was let out early because of a bomb threat and then the Wet Blanket insisted on dropping our recycling off to the depot and because he can’t do anything on his own, I had to go along for the ride as well. Then I got dropped off at the gym and said I was going to grab supper and “study at the library” (again the starts really aligned here with returning to university and taking a course).

This actually worked out OK since The Dentist was also at work and had to stay late for some sort of emergency response training. I mean I guess it’s good that these people might know how to respond to a patient when they get too much gas or like start to die in their chair for some other reason. (Side note; he actually burst my bubble when he told me that having laughing gas is nothing at all like it is in the movies; thanks for ruining Horrible Bosses for me bro…)

The Dentist’s car was still out of commission and because I’m super poor I decided to take a bus to be somewhat near him and walk the rest of the way once he told me he was home. (I decided to use this opportunity to get a new water bottle since I kept losing mine out of my backpack from Sportchek and was terrified that I’d run into someone I knew there and they would offer me a ride home or something…) I’m super poor AND also directionally challenged as I have previously mentioned so I ended up walking the wrong way for a bit even though I was using Google Maps. (I just never know in which direction I’m supposed to walk in OK?!)

Eventually, I got there and I can’t remember if we discussed ordering the pizza first or not but we didn’t and ended up without clothes and banging. This was a good and bad idea. First, who wants to be interrupted by a pizza delivery person in the middle of sex? (Though I’m sure there are many porns out there that have that very plot and the payment for said pizza involves a three-way) and why not work up a bit of an appetite before supper cause this bro can put away a lot of pizza. The bad part of this was that we ordered and then it took almost until the next Wednesday for the pizza to get to us…

He consulted me as to where we should get pizza from and despite having a conversation about a number of controversial topics on the first day we met, I didn’t want to come out too strong on my opinions regarding pizza so I was all “I don’t really care,” but he wasn’t displaying strong pizza opinions either. We ended up ordering the Smoky Maple Bacon pizza from Pizza Hut which three, yes THREE different types of bacon and Alfredo sauce instead of the traditional red sauce.

I had mentioned something about splitting the cost and he said there was no need. Now I know The Dentist is a denti$t ($ee what I did there?) but I don’t really like not contributing but then it’s also nice to be treated. The cost was always split down the middle with Lilith since she is a bit cheap and basically gets off from squaring up bills with people and well The Kid was a kid and in school, though with a Masters grant he probably had more money than me so I’m not really used to being treated either.

One thing I didn’t like about being treated, though, was that The Dentist said he would pay because he “had a job and worked full time”. Yes. This is true but don’t make me feel worse about my financial and career situation, please? (Hopefully this will all change once this blog gets more traction and I eventually turn it into a book and a television show, movie or Netflix original so please people, help a brother out and share this shit will you?)

So the pizza shows up way after we ordered it and I’m finally eating supper; a late supper really annoys me as I’m basically an old man trapped in a younger man’s body and prefers to eat during the evening news. I was enjoying spending time with The Dentist though and I was trying not to think about what I was doing. I was really surprised though at how natural this all felt to me, I mean sitting there with him and sharing a pizza just felt right? I’m not sure if this makes sense or not, but I sort of felt like he was in this completely other league and would not have wanted to do something as normal as eating pizza and channel surfing.

The night came to an end and I took a cab home. I remember him saying to let him know when I got home and I again felt strange about this because I felt like he shouldn’t care about me in any way other than a physical sense. I really had no idea what I was doing, what I was feeling or how this would play out but an attractive bro just bought me pizza and I was happy.


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