Novacane and Sex and Costco Pizza


For the record, I was never really afraid of the dentist, I just felt like they were money-grubbing shysters who would do anything to bleed you dry; I should have stuck to that…. I also didn’t realize there is a difference between novocaine and “novacane” which according to Urban Dictionary means “numb to pleasures and feelings cause you can have it all” as in “Novacane for bitches nowadays”… I thought it was just that drug the dentist gives you but this fits too.

So we last left the saga of Sex and Pizza by saying goodbye (for all intents and purposes) to The Kid and teasing the looming presence of our next Big Bad, The Dentist since all good sequels need a worthy antagonist. The thing is, at the very beginning The Dentist was a very nice guy. As I mentioned in the previous post he started out as a very nice looking, mostly smooth headless torso on a less popular Dino tracking site who responded to my “Hey man, looking good.” or whatever I sent.

Let’s backtrack here for a second; it can’t be understated how as Austin Powers would say “randy” I was feeling around this time. I hadn’t had sex in five weeks (which was nowhere near my worst drought ever…) and several stints of “alone time” was just not cutting it. The Kid (dammit he shows up again; this is sadly an indication of what happened in real life/my ability to get over things and people) ignored my advances so I was trying to start the moving on process. And so enter The Dentist… (Pun not intended…but happened later…)

I honestly didn’t expect him to answer me because I didn’t have a picture (though in retrospect, knowing what I know now he probably answered everyone…). He did though and we got to talking. I mentioned earlier in a post that when you are a bro who is into other bros but don’t want anyone knowing that, revealing your face is like a superhero revealing his secret identity. There’s also this worry that if you send someone a picture they may take it and use it for themselves or the pictures they send you aren’t actually belonging to the person you are talking to. This happens quite a bit which is just sort of ridiculous and scary when you are sort of untrustworthy of the world as it is.

So we were talking on this dumb site and I had to keep refreshing the page to see if he had written me back, as you can guess this got old rather quickly. I had sent him some pictures of my fairly smooth headless torso as well and he was into it so I suggested some digital get down. During all of this, he listened to all my Kid related woes and still wanted to talk to me. I think he heard about all of this even before I showed him what I looked like.

I saw him and I wasn’t immediately “eyes popping out of my head” the way that Pepe Lepeau reacts when he sees that cat he thinks is a skunk but he was attractive and had a nice body and was being super nice to me. We talked about ourselves and I asked what he did for a living. His response was that he worked in healthcare so I said: “Oooh a hot Dr?” He said not exactly, but that he was a dentist. I mentioned earlier that I hate dentists and I told him that. He did sort of sell them in a better light though and would later go on to offer me free dental (which I never took… my life is littered with huge mistakes).

Now please don’t get me wrong with the Pepe Lepeau comment, he was nowhere near unattractive and I had to wonder why he was being so secretive since he seemed to be pretty ok with who he was and then things changed. He told me he had someone. Someone that didn’t live here. Someone that he didn’t love. Someone who didn’t want an open relationship like he did. To say that several red flags started waving is an understatement. I was pretty disappointed here because The Dentist seemed nice we had been talking for a couple of hours at this point.

I definitely didn’t feel great about this having a boyfriend thing, in fact almost a year later and I wonder am I being punished for this? Look, I think there is a gray area when it comes to cheating, there never really is a black and white and there are two sides to every story but I still don’t want to be “The Other Bro”. He said he understood that and it was ok if we didn’t meet (he probably had an entire roster anyway… Sorry I’m kind of littering this with spoilers as I try to write from the perspective of me at the time vs. me now…).

Let’s not forget that I’m feeling quite randy at this point right? So against my better moral judgment (it would have been different if I didn’t know but I did. I’d be doing this knowing The Dentist was cheating….) I said I wanted to meet him. I still wasn’t entirely sure but went to get a shower and make myself look more presentable. I was still questioning if I wanted to do this or not but when I got out of the shower I got the infamous “TBH Text” from The Kid and felt really shitty about myself.

And this was a turning point in my character. I decided that this situation could benefit me. I wanted sex and I wanted to forget about The Kid. The Dentist told me I couldn’t get attached if we did this because of his situation and getting attached was what ended things with The Kid. This really bad, morally wrong situation could work for me and I decided to be selfish.

So The Dentist comes to pick me up and was even nice enough to drop me off at the gym afterward. (Deadbeat bro with no car remember?) On the way to his place, he makes a joke about his car possibly breaking down. He was driving a ’06 Civic; you read that right…and he’s a dentist. We didn’t break down and we got to his house. We made small talk, he commented on my Raptors hat and said he saw a game in Toronto and enjoyed it. He had this weird quirk, though, and I now wonder if it’s because he was nervous because I didn’t really notice it from him after, but he would hum. Or like some strange sing/hum hybrid which as I type this makes me smile.

We got to his place and we had sex. At the time I hadn’t had much to measure it against and maybe it was because The Kid was so fresh in my mind but it wasn’t mind-blowing sex. It definitely did the job though and he seemed to be into it. Come to think of it, I had a lot on my mind that day and I was nervous so I probably didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have.

We didn’t hang out or anything after and we quickly got dressed again and left. He brought me to the gym and we exchanged pleasantries and I headed in for a workout. There, I texted Larissa and told her what had transpired that day. She wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of an attached dentist and I later Skyped (no digital get down) with Jeanie to fill her in. She wasn’t a fan of The Kid, or the situation I was just getting in but wanted me to forget The Kid.

During my workout I thought it would be at least polite to write The Dentist and thank him for the ride (or for riding me? Actually I don’t think it happened that way that day since I think I can remember the first time that happened…which I don’t think I’ll go into detail with…) and told him I’d like to hang again if he did. We exchanged numbers but I promised myself I would not let myself get involved like I did with The Kid. Later, that night I sent him a text to make the number exchange official and I said to have a good night, I was hanging with Dave and we were going to watch an old U2 concert since the one that was supposed to be broadcast live was postponed due to the terrorist attack in Paris.

Again, The Dentist said I couldn’t get attached and I said I wouldn’t get attached. The next morning I wrote him because I wanted to get some again. We were trying to set up a time but then he tells me that on his way to or from work for an emergency procedure (think about how much money he must make for that on a Sunday???) his car broke down. Seriously. Just yesterday he mentioned it and then the next day it happens. He said he was looking at getting a rental and would keep me in the loop.

I went to school and worked on my project some more. I pretty much broke my self-imposed texting rule by writing him to ask what was up. I even offered to take a cab to his place. This was a new low for me as I genuinely hate taking cabs and prefer to walk places if I can. He said that made him feel a bit weird so we didn’t do it. Instead, we got to texting. If you are keeping score, I’ve been crushed by The Kid, still a little down about Lilith, gotten a taste for fairly regular sex and was now being a terrible person by getting involved with someone who had someone. Stop reading here if you don’t want it to get worse.

When I first meet someone I ask them three very important questions: What is your favorite Movie? Music? Television show(s)? The Dentist said he didn’t really like music which again should have been a red flag. This made him a shyster dentist, a cheater and someone who “doesn’t really like music”… I don’t trust people who don’t like music. Music makes you feel things. It’s the same as when someone says “I like all music.” Oh, do you? Who is your favorite Inuit throat singer? OK, I’m getting off on a tangent here but while I’m on the subject can I go back and discuss something about the annoying Hipsterness of The Kid? He ragged on me for liking U2 which he called “Dad rock” but listed Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon as one of his favorite albums… so it’s cool to like Grandad rock?!

Anyway, so The Dentist doesn’t really like music, this might not be going anywhere and my conscious might be saved morally. He listed The Shawshank Redemption as his favorite movie (one I have not seen) and then follows it up with “and the Jurassic Park movies.” OK, so Jurassic Park is not some obscure cult film but it is my favorite movie of all time and while a lot of people like it, not many list it as their favorite. He said he liked The Lost World better but this was just semantics. I told him how that was my favorite movie of all time and that I had dressed as a “Toronto Raptor” for Halloween (which basically just involved me wearing a dinosaur mask, a dinosaur t-shirt, a Toronto Raptors hat, slippers with felt raptor claws attached and carrying around Drake CDs).

By this point the Wet Blanket, (let’s call him The WB from now on shall we? Though I will do my very best not to bring him up much) picked me up from school (he was good for some things and we were good friends despite the fact that he was a liar and I didn’t know about it….). I was at the grocery store picking something up for supper when I got a text that would change the course of my history. My phone goes off and I see the preview of the message “but it got canceled.” All I could think of was “Please don’t say Happy Endings, please don’t say Happy Endings….” And he did say Happy Endings which is basically my favorite show of all time and one that I can quote almost verbatim. He also wasn’t just a casual fan, he too could quote it. And that’s when I knew I was in trouble. This would not be as simple as I wanted it to be.

We decided to make plans for that Wednesday since he was off all day. I had nothing planned either besides a trip to Costco with my mom, brother, and niece. This went on longer than I wanted it to which is always the way it is when you have someone waiting to have sex with you amirite? So after we grabbed lunch and dropped the things I had bought off at my place I got them to drop me off at the gym which I thought was closer to his place. (I couldn’t really say “Mom, can you drop me off at this random house, please? Oh, what? No reason…”

The Dentist warmed up to the whole cab idea since that is how I got to his house and he gave me money to take a cab home. I felt a little funny about paying to go have sex and I expressed this to Larissa. She told me to do whatever felt right and to be safe. (Bless her). And so began the most awkward cab ride I’d ever had. The driver was an older man who wasn’t exactly sure where he was going and neither was I for that matter. I’m directionally challenged and had only been there once. I felt so awkward as if he knew what I was about to do…which I’m sure he didn’t, did he?

I had told The Dentist that if I was paying money to get to his place then I wanted to stay there for a bit. No quickies this time. I got there and he opened the door and then I’m sure you can guess what happened next. Well, that happened about four times in the span of a few hours. We talked in between and I learned that he had a nephew, he talked a bit about his family and I could tell he cared about them. He told me a story about a drunken friend and a flight to a Shania Twain concert and I learned of some of the music he did like. He mentioned Blink-182 who I hadn’t really given much thought to in a while but I had been a fan of them throughout the years, especially in my awkward horny teenager phase (which I realized I hadn’t really grown out of…).

Another knock against him was that he said he liked some country music. (Shania is an acceptable exception) and proceeded to play and sing…yes sing…this song to me which I will embarrassingly admit to downloading and liking. (That song also plays an important part in this saga a little later on as well…).

I was having a really good time. The sex was much better than it had been a few days ago and I really enjoyed talking with him. He wanted to cuddle though which made me feel uncomfortable since I was trying to keep this very physical and I mentioned that cuddling/sleeping next to someone is to me the most intimate thing you can do with someone. Finally after ignoring a few phone calls from my mother and texts from friends (can’t a bro have a secret sex day in peace?!) I figured it was time to go. He tried to kiss me as I left and again, I felt weird about this but I did it anyway. He told me he was going away for the weekend and that I probably wouldn’t hear from him. (He probably went with the boyfriend but I don’t know for sure and I definitely didn’t want to know).

Speaking of a secret sex day, has anyone seen that episode of Entourage where Vince goes and meets this girl at a bookstore or a coffee shop or something. Anyway, he ends up at her place and they have sex and he stays there for hours. He feels as if he got to escape the world which was exactly how I was feeling that day.

So let’s recap, shall we? He said I couldn’t get attached, I said I wouldn’t get attached. He tells me he likes Jurassic Park and Happy Endings, he listens to me go on about stupid things, he likes his family, Blink, we had sex four times and sang a song to me. Oh yeah, he is also taken and cheating. It was the second hang and after hours in his bed, I knew I was in trouble.

I got home later that evening and put several slices of Costco pizza in the oven. I felt like I had worked up quite the appetite from my activities earlier in the day and their cheese pizza is to steal a line from Happy Endings “amahzing”. (Have you had this before? I have no idea what cheeses they use on it but damn is it cheesy and damn is it good!)


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