This picture makes it seem like I couldn’t keep it up; that is not the case…also the banter continues!
As I said in the last post, I was pleased with how things were progressing in my life. I was feeling like I had just closed a chapter in my life; I was very much close to being over Lilith, I was starting a new degree, things felt like they might be starting to sort themselves out and a lot of that had to do with The Kid. I also mentioned that I had started to develop feelings for him and this was not part of the plan at all. I wanted someone that I could drink beers, eat pizza with and bang. The problem with that is I don’t believe you would ever want to do two out of three of these things with someone you don’t like. You could bang someone you didn’t like; but would you ever want to eat pizza and drink beers with someone you didn’t like? What would you talk about? If that was the case you’d just do that alone. It was around the time we had had the “Carly Rae Conversation” I’ll call it (see the previous post if you are confused about what I’m talking about) that a lyric in a somewhat obscure song by my favorite band really hit me.
Let me backtrack a bit; the first time The Kid came to my place I had gotten a call for a job interview and received a vinyl from my favorite band in the mail. It was a live recording from the early 80’s and was a fan club only exclusive release. As I gave the record a spin, a line from the song “A Day Without Me” hit home. The lyric goes “Whatever the feelings I keep feeling…” What was I feeling? I was feeling good for the first time in months; not just good but, better than I’d felt in years maybe. I definitely was falling for The Kid. I was trying to keep my feelings in check though. I did not want to be in a relationship because I just had gotten out of one and I didn’t want to integrate another person with my friends and family, he was a dude so that would be a thing and also…he was a kid. This kid though was making me happy.
Then one night I get a text from him that basically said things were moving too fast, he didn’t want to deal with feelings as he too was just out of a relationship, school was becoming hectic and he thought we needed to take a step back. He said he was feeling conflicted because we were living separate lives, it wasn’t just sex and because the conversation was so good he wanted me to hang with his friends. (This never happened thankfully because I can only handle one hipster at a time). I felt really bad about this and it really bothered me. Was I losing this new fun thing I had really connected to? The confusing thing was we saw each other the next day and had one hot marathon hang sans pizza. There was talk about hanging again the next day but he was MIA saying he left his phone charger at work.
I went home for the weekend and when I returned that Sunday night I made what G.O.B. Bluth would call “a huge mistake”. I think I mentioned that The Kid told me he deleted the Dino Tracking App right? Well, I have this problem where I suffer from crippling self-doubt and I was convinced that he would tire of me despite the fact that things were going so well. I really thought he could have whoever he wanted and he responded with something cheesy like “I have who I want”…and then he goes and tells me things are moving too fast. ANYWAY, so I happened to go back to the Dino Tracking App (I had no desire to find anyone else) and low and behold there is The Kid now with his face in his picture looking as adorable as ever. I asked him about this and then got a harsher version of the “things are moving too fast” conversation I had had a few days before.
I was embarrassingly devastated. That same night my deep freeze broke and I started to develop a cold so needless to say I barely slept. Let me use this space to say that I know I can be a bit intense. (This will play a part in the breakdown of another important relationship that we will discuss in the future). I text a lot, and when I do I write. A lot. I could understand where The Kid was coming from; I too was afraid and unsure about what I was feeling but I was trying not to overthink it and just go with it…except I was totally overthinking it and I had no one to discuss this with.
So he wanted some distance, yet we still kept texting. The back and forth wasn’t completely there like it had been, but the banter was still better than anything I had with anyone else. Finally, one night during a chat I broached the subject of a weekend hang that would involve pizza. I sent him this recipe and to my surprise he obliged. Plans were made for that upcoming Saturday. To say that I was excited was an understatement though the crippling self-doubt kept telling me I had to make it to Saturday without him canceling. A few days before the date (was it a date? What IS a date? I’ll write MUCH more on this later) I was at the grocery store picking up ingredients for the pizza and I somehow got into a discussion with the cashier about how I was making a buffalo chicken pizza on Saturday. She playfully said she was going to stop by for a piece where I almost said: “Think again bitch, I’m hanging with The Kid and there will be sex (and banter) and pizza.” Avoiding unwanted guests was actually a concern for me as I had a roommate and a very good friend with a key to my apartment who was known to just drop by from time to time. I had made sure my roommate was working that night, The Kid would come over for supper, we’d hang and bang, he’d leave and no one would be none the wiser.
The day came and I was so nervous. I always have this thing about cooking for people where I like to basically have everything ready as soon as they arrive and I can serve the meal. The problem with this was I didn’t know if we would be eating or sexing first. At this point, I hadn’t seen him in over two weeks. I didn’t know if our first few moments would be awkward (how could they though? It wasn’t after a four-week build up…but quite a bit had happened since then too). I even worried about what to wear (again…MORE on this later) but I eventually decided on a new superhero novelty t-shirt and some jogger/khaki hybrid, he showed up in skinny camo pants. (I said he was a hipster right? Now I do love my camo shorts but apparently, shorts are not cool…pants, though? Fair game. It was sometimes exhausting trying to determine what he thought was cool and what wasn’t).
So he shows up and the sex commences right away. Thinking this might happen I had everything ready for the pizza. The chicken had been fried and the Frank’s had been applied. The cheese was grated and the veggies chopped. I even had the dough spread out on the pan (NOT an innuendo). Once I had finished topping it was time to apply the toppings to the dough and bake this Buffalo Chicken pizza. I served the pizza and he bought two bottles of wine. It was like we hadn’t missed a beat. We hung out and tried to watch a few episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (which I’ll say it…wasnot THAT great. There were some hilarious moments but it’s no Happy Endings and I only tried to get into it because of The Kid) but we didn’t really pay attention because we were too busy bantering.
One downside of my preparedness though was that the pizza crust was a bit soggy in places. I was embarrassed because I think I’m a decent cook (plus the dough came from a kit that just required me to add water) and I really, really, really, really, really, really (Hey Carly Rae!) wanted to impress The Kid. He couldn’t have been too turned off by the soggy crust as he stayed for a couple of hours of bantering and another round of sex. He left before The Roommate returned and expressed his disappointment that the night had to be cut short because of that.
Things were back on with The Kid. I was feeling good again. So good in fact that I seriously considered breaking a ground rule I had set for myself which was no signs of affection unless they lead to or occurred during sex. This was a way for me to keep telling myself this was just fun. That night as he left I considered kissing him goodbye but decided against it. I hadn’t seen him in a while and I didn’t want to ruin an awesome night by letting my feelings get in the way.
*If you go to attempt to recreate this night with your own bro that you are trying really hard not to have feelings for but enjoy every minute you spend with him; good luck bantering as good as we did. To jazz up your pizza though, add blue cheese as well as some red pepper and bacon (because why the hell not?) and have ranch for dipping instead of drizzling it over the top…and above all else make sure your crust doesn’t end up being soggy! Serve with a bottle of white wine and red wine and play some It’s Always Sunny in the background.*