Longest wait for pizza I’ve ever had…
So that Dino Tracking App I talked about before is like a pizza delivery service; you can pretty much place an order at any time and get some pizza. The problem with this though is that there are not very many high quality pizza options and just as many or more options of questionable quality. When you do finally come across a pizza option (or bro since I might eventually start talking about literal pizzas at any point in this entry) you have arrived on that magical plane of existence when there is a like a flash sale at your favorite pizza place that includes the premium toppings you usually have to pay extra for AND you have a gift card to pay for it. After about a month on the dino app and one decent but slightly underwhelming pizza delivery I finally found myself in that magical flash sale plane of existence.
I get a message from this headless, slightly harrier than I’d go for torso that started in the usual way of “What’s up?” “Not much. You?” painstakingly normal back and forth that all of these conversations start with. He was 22, I was 28; not ideal but when you are just looking for a distraction and the TV show you are watching is just about over you might as well keep talking; plus as I said there aren’t a lot of options here. I had actually seen “headless, slightly harrier than I’d go for torso” (he will get a better nickname in a few paragraphs) earlier in the weekend when I had been seriously considering ordering a pizza (sorry, I’m using pizza to refer to literal pizza and bros interchangeably but in this case I was more than likely looking for both). My wet blanket, soul crushing roommate who never left was gone for the weekend, I was lonely, bored and not in the mood to cook so as a matter of fact the chances that I was looking for a pizza and a bro are highly likely.
Anyway I saw this bro’s profile and didn’t bother to check things out (so there kids is a real life lesson that looks can be deceiving because I wish I had talked to him that weekend. Then again, maybe this is a life lesson about how timing is everything and you should negate the looks can be deceiving lesson?) Spoiler alert things will end terribly in a few posts so it really doesn’t matter about deceiving looks or timing at all.
Maybe now is the right time to give this bro his nickname. In fact he had a few and was the start of the nicknames and almost the spark of the idea for Sex and Pizza. At first, no one knew about him so he was sort of nameless but as I told my friends he became “Dr. Malcom” (as a reference to Jurassic Park which was embarrassingly released the year he was born and the fact that he told me a story about a “Raptor Trap” he had made for a science fair project), “the little fucker” (after things started going downhill) and finally “The Kid” (well because…he was).
So The Kid messages me one fateful August night and I could have never guessed where things would go from there. In a lot of ways he is the spark that set the stage for all of the tumultuous events that would occur in my life from then up until now. As I mentioned, the conversation started out typically. Somewhere the banter button got pushed and the back and forth was something I had never experienced in my life. He was smart, had the perfect sense of humor and could keep up with me. We even expressed a mutual love for pizza and Kanye West. I couldn’t remember feeling this way about a conversation ever. Alanis Morissette wails in “All I Really Want” that “all I need now is intellectual intercourse”; now, I needed a bit more than that but I’m immensely more attracted to someone when they can partake in witty banter so my interests were peaked.
We exchanged some partially and not so partially clothed pictures but did not reveal what our faces looked like. See, when you are a bro that is interested in other bros but doesn’t want other bros and the rest of the world to know this sending a picture of your face is like a superhero revealing his secret identity. Plus the witty banter had raised the stakes. What if he was ugly? Or thought I was? That would have been a major disappointment. (He at one point sends me a picture with a pizza emoji covering his face and made some clever remark…I kept thinking “Please don’t be ugly…”).
He wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was I at the time. I was hell bent on never integrating anyone into my life after nearly a decade with Lilith and the fact that I could still not completely get rid of her because of lasting ties with family and friends. So this seemed like a good situation. We talked about beers and pizza and banging. We’d be Bang Bros (which upon later discovery is already a porn web site so I couldn’t call this post or subsequent television episode or romcom that…) There was one issue though, he and his family were leaving the country for a four week vacation. (Remember back to my timing comment?) So this definitely threw a wrench into things.
We continued the banter into the early hours of the morning and finally one of us (probably me) broached the topic of Skype and some (to steal a song title from NSYNC) “Digital Get Down” (which is what I will refer webcam action to from now on) occurred. Still no faces but I could definitely work with what I saw and again…I can’t stress this enough…the banter. We finally ended the conversation at about five in the morning. I had not stayed up talking to anyone like this in nearly a decade and I’d never been so excited by it.
There was some talk about maybe meeting before his trip but that didn’t happen due to a hurricane warning which bumped his flight up. We continued to talk on the Dino Tracking App where face pictures (and a bit more) were exchanged. My anticipation for the end of August was certainly rising since he was not at all ugly and was quite adorable (yet slightly hipster; a group that I hate but in actuality have a lot in common with) and could rock a backwards hat. He was smart, attractive, funny and witty and most of all thought similar things about me.
We talked every day while he was on vacation and because of the time zone difference often resulted in my staying up very late. I remember one night in particular where I drunkenly walked home from a karaoke bar where I had met my friend Jeanie and her husband for some drinks and singing. I was messaging him all night and wanted to express my excitement to her. We continued talking when I got home at three in the morning. At one point we exchanged numbers and discussed meeting once he returned.
I developed an interest (or a further interest) in The Weeknd as he mentioned being a fan (we also can’t ignore that The Weeknd owned Sumer ’15 so my exploration of his back catalogue was bound to happen). I don’t know how much you know about The Weeknd but bro has some sensual dirty R&B. Combine the music with the banter, legit conversations about religion and politics and the dick pics and you definitely could say I was thirsty. (Funny story: I was so into the song “The Hills” I blatantly ignored the very clear lyrics about infidelity and believed it to be a song about two people who were really into each other and trying to keep it a secret and not complicate things, I even argued with a friend that it wasn’t about cheating…oops).
Finally the end of August comes and he says he is on his way back home but deleting the dino app, I had his number and I should get in contact with him. The ball was in my court which was annoying because I didn’t want to text first but I did. We chatted that day and he tells me his roommate will be gone for the next few days and that we should hang out. I was nervous and also didn’t know how I would explain my absence to my roommate. Yes, that bore caused me not to get some because we spent so much time at home and we had the same friends that I couldn’t think of a viable reason to go somewhere without him…NOT THAT I NEEDED TO. So I ignore The Kid’s advances and instead made myself a homemade BBQ chicken pizza which was enjoyable but would have been better with a side of sex and banter all to the musical stylings of The Weeknd.
I feared that by not meeting him that night I had blown my chance but we continued texting; a lot. The banter was getting better and the anticipation was building. Finally, one night I said I was going for a walk, he had invited me to his place but I hadn’t heard from him so I just started walking with the intent of heading in his general direction and hoping to hear back from him. Luckily he did write back and invited me over. I said I was nervous and so did he. I kept thinking that I had invested so much time in this and the banter was so good that there was no way our meeting could be awkward could it? He lived in the same building I had spent some of my university career living in so it was a very strange feeling to find myself about to get some in a place where I had spent a few sexually frustrated years (aka “The Lilith Years).
He met me at the entrance and we walked up to his apartment where awkward introductions were had and then we went for it. Thankfully this encounter had not been overhyped and things were really quite good as far as first times go. I hadn’t had much to go on but it was certainly better than the random encounter I had had a little more than a month before and a million times better than the awkward HJ. To top it all off, when the deed was done I didn’t feel the urge to jump up, get dressed and bolt and he didn’t seem like he wanted that either. I stayed there for a while and we bantered. The banter was just as good in person as it had been via text which was a relief.
Eventually I did leave as I figured The Roommate would have called a search party if I soon didn’t return home. I walked home and we continued to text and made plans to hang out again that Thursday. The Kid and I would see each other two more times before pizza was brought into the equation so tune in next time to hear about that story. In the meantime, go ahead, pour yourself a drink, grab a slice of pizza and listen to some dirty fun Weekend songs like “The Morning”, “The Zone”, “Drunk In Love (Remix)”, “Often” and “The Hills” (and ignore the bits about cheating).