First Sex- or Almost First Sex…#Breadsticks

So let me take you on a journey back to over a decade ago and tell you the story about a young, awkward teenage boy who almost had it all in one night. Now at eighteen years old having it all meant having both and sex and pizza. To be fair, at twenty-nine “having it all” means pretty much the same thing.


So it was August 2005 and I was on the cusp of starting my first year of university. I was ready to move out on my own and start the first chapter of adult life. At this time it was summer, I was working my first “real job”, I had recently got my driver’s license, and I was seeing a girl. More importantly, a girl was seeing me…as in was actually showing interest in me. This was a first and it made me a lovesick puppy.

This girl, well she was a basket case and the “relationship” or whatever it can be called was also pretty fucked up as well. (In retrospect this thing set the groundwork for pretty much every other romantic relationship I had after.) Anyway, the girl; let’s call her The Heiress (she was part of a fairly well to do family) had more baggage than a frequent flyer yet for some reason I fell for her. This was all new to me and I was just as excited about someone showing interest in me as much as being interested in her. Needless to say, I would find myself in situations where she expected me to jump through hoops and things were never good enough.

This story does not seem to be going down an “almost having it all” path now does it? Let’s get to the point here. It was my uncle’s wedding and I was permitted to bring a guest; naturally, I asked The Heiress to go with me. She agreed and I was all excited. I actually had a real date to a real event. The problem was what was she? I couldn’t say she was my girlfriend because she wasn’t but we weren’t just friends either. (Again… this story will play out again some ten years later and probably end even worse than things with The Heiress).

So the wedding day comes (not mine, of course, …the uncle’s). I’m having a pretty good day despite having to be an usher, film the ceremony and give a speech which meant I was so nervous that I thought I might throw up at any moment. Maybe I was overcompensating and seemed extra confident that day or it was because your boy looks good in a tux but The Heiress was super attracted to me on this day. After the ceremony, The Heiress and I go for food (because I’m a super picky eater and would not eat whatever they were serving during the reception). Along the way she makes a comment about us later having “the sex” as my friend Jeanie would say. We hit up Pizza Hut which honestly is probably what I would serve at my reception (or Domino’s because you can’t beat that large four-topping pizza deal…).

You can imagine my excitement here. I’m about to have pizza and there is the mention of sex (for the first time mind you) later in the evening. Full disclosure here, we didn’t have pizza per say, we had breadsticks with cheese. Now if you have never experienced breadsticks from Pizza Hut you are missing out. I (only half) jokingly say that I’m married to bacon but I’m having an affair with breadsticks from Pizza Hut… they’re THAT good.

If stories should end with a happy ending we should stop here as I did not experience a happy ending later that evening. The breadsticks didn’t disappoint but The Heiress did. This will be the last time I speak of The Heiress as I don’t remember any other notable stories that involve her, sex, and pizza and she would go on to break my heart several times over in the next few months. There is a good story that occurs years later in which we both are living different lives and randomly meet in a professional environment but again there was no sex or pizza. Let’s end this somewhat uneventful story with a discussion on Pizza Hut’s breadsticks, shall we? If you haven’t had them you haven’t lived yet. If you order them, order them with cheese. Get extra marinara sauce so you can dip your pizza crust in once the main course arrives and to borrow one of Drake’s album titles, thank me later.


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