No, this story is not about an orgy. So do or do not read on, depending on your reaction to this first sentence.
Anyone remember that late 90’s/early 2000’s TV show Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (later renamed Two Guys and a Girl)? No? I think you’re missing out. Or at least late 90’s/early 2000’s me thinks so. I remember finding it funny but then again what did I know back then; I was only 11-14 at the time. Anyway, the show is about three people, (you guessed it, two of them happen to be guys and one of them is a girl) two of which work at a Boston pizza parlor. In subsequent seasons the pizza is abandoned (probably why the show got canceled, I mean who thinks taking pizza out of the equation is a good idea?!) and the show focuses more on the relationship between the three main characters. It starred a young Ryan Reynolds and was a good precursor to his role in Van Wilder.
So why am I talking about a not so iconic show? For some reason around this time last year, I decided to download the series and give it a rewatch. I really don’t remember much about it except that I thought the characters were cool and that either the series or the season before the last one ended with a cliffhanger where I think fans got to vote and choose which of three couples would be pregnant. The only thing I remember was something about a faulty glow in the dark condom and the lines “Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”
Upon a quick Wikipedia search, it was the series finale since the show was not renewed for another season due to low ratings.
So again, for some reason around this time last year (more towards the end of June to be exact) I decided to download the series. I was going through a break-up that I surprisingly cared a lot about and was very hurt over. (Spoiler alert I don’t take rejection well; more on that later). I guess maybe I wanted some old familiar childhood/teenage comfort or I was just nostalgic for baggier clothes and spiky hair; either way, I downloaded it and started watching.
Meanwhile, ever the multitasker, I decided to search for some local bros and have my first encounter. I was not yet ready to dive right in and have Grindr (which because I hate saying and typing that name will be referred to as “the Dino tracking app” from this post forward) on my phone I decided to look in other less popular (at least locally) sites on the Internet. (I actually had great success or terrible failure…depending on who you ask…with another “unpopular” site a few months later). So, I found myself on a site that rhymes with “Gregslist” and posted an ad. A rather attractive looking (at least from the neck down…I could not see the rest in the initial picture) messaged me and we began chatting. Turns out he was in an open, long-distance relationship and was “looking for some fun” which I suppose is fair enough since I had no idea what I was really looking for.
It cannot be understated how nervous I was at the time. I didn’t want to show my face yet obviously knew I would not meet anyone (sane) if I didn’t do that first. Eventually, we exchanged numbers and a few days (and many episodes of Two Guys and a Girl later) we met. Remember when I said I was nervous? Well, so much so that I got him to pick me up at a nearby gas station because I didn’t want him to know where I lived. Ever the polite party guest I bought two cans of beer to share as I thought we were going back to his place. We weren’t. And instead stopped in an empty parking lot where I proceeded to get a very awkward HJ that embarrassingly enough did not take long to complete. (Again. REALLY nervous remember?) He then asked if I wanted to crack open the beers which I just could not do in a parking lot (but could do the other thing…go figure…) so I asked him to take me home. I’m sure no one is surprised to read that I never saw him again? I tried if only to prove I wasn’t such an embarrassment but no dice. Apparently his significant other was on the way back for the summer and it was back to monogamy, which just sounds the most romantic right? (Actually, I’m not judging. Whatever works for people).
Every bro and every other person I reference on Sex and Pizza are going to have some sort of nickname because that’s fun to do. This particular bro did not have a nickname until a future bro I was involved with (much more on him later) coined the nickname “Awkward HJ”. What’s more awkward? Turns out these bros were friends and once asked to meet me when I was with his friend (who we will later meet as “The Dentist”). Needless to say, that didn’t happen though if it did it may have resulted in that orgy I said this entry is not about and definitely would have been a very different type of story.